FRONT GATES — As the moon shines over Georgetown on Friday night, GUPD officers and H*yas for Choice members will be prepping to resolve a long-standing dispute. The rival gangs, after recent heated arguments over campus territory, plan to work out their disagreements in a rumble under Key Bridge.
“We ain’t lookin’ to kill or nothin, but we’ll jump a few if we gotta.” said Deputy Winston “The Fuzz” Jones of the upcoming fight. “We don’t like hearin’ them H*yas yack on our turf, and this is our opportunity to stub ‘em out.”
The gangs have arranged to meet at the stroke of midnight under the Key Bridge because it is neural territory, as determined by the Riverbank Bop of 1956’s infamous stalemate. No weapons will be permitted, at the insistence of H*yas for Choice – the combat is to be entirely unarmed, unless someone sneaks in a switchblade.
“We don’t want no zip guns, no tire chains, no broken bottles of pop, no heaters. This ain’t the pictures,” said Ellen “Zinko” Robinson (MSB ’16), H*yas for Choice member through a mouthful of bologna and mustard on rye. “It’s gonna be a fair one, or else.” “GUPD likes usin’ shivs, I won’t lie to ya. We’re real down boys,” said The Fuzz. “But the H*yas weapon supply is lame compared to our stash, so we’ll play square. Say, you got a cancer stick?”
The contested territory, a section of brick sidewalk near Georgetown’s front gates, is prized by both gangs – while GUPD claims ownership of the block since 1789, H*yas for Choice say they should make room for new blood.
“We ain’t just jailbait. We got goods ‘n services to provide, like rubbers,” said Kendra “Podunk” Maroney (COL ’16), a H*yas for Choice member since her Freshman fall. “And fuck it, we’s got a voice. This block needs us. We ain’t afraid to scrap for it.”
As proof of her guts, Podunk proceeded to show this reporter a jagged scar on her right shoulder from a past knife fight with the College Republicans.
H*yas for Choice are openly publicizing the rumble and asking their supporters to join in however possible, but GUPD doesn’t want to draw any more attention to the matter.
“Our broads gotta come and peep us, obviously. They’re gonna sit in Micky’s T-Bird so they don’t get slashed, cause you never know.” said Lieutenant Terrance “Tugboat” Morris. “But if you’re a plan-jane soda jerk lookin’ for some gossip? Cheese it. We don’t want the real hacks getting wind of this.”
The real hacks say they are aware of the scheduled fight, and will be prepared to intervene if necessary.
“This is not the first time Metro Police has had reason to stay apprised of gang activity in the Georgetown area, particularly with respect to GUPD,” said MPD Officer Kyle Morris. “Piss them off, and they become both illogical and ruthless. Stay careful out there, folks.”