LAU 2 — To the amazement of those surrounding him, Sophomore Ian Simmons (COL ’17) worked interrupted on a paper for over five consecutive minutes on the second floor of Lauinger Library Tuesday night.
Flaunting “inhuman” levels of self-control Simmons reportedly, for six minutes and two seconds, resisted perusing an unlimited amount and variety of information on the internet, contacting any of his friends or acquaintances or just generally retreating into the limitless depths of his mind.
The second floor of Lauinger, rattled by Simmons’ six minutes of uninterrupted work.
Focused solely on his open word document and his academic resources Simmons was the source of much speculation on Lau 2 during his purported “working spree.”
During the six minutes of focused work Simmons reportedly cruised through three pages of his research paper as well as annotated his bibliography.
While many speculated that his unprecedented “focus frenzy” may have been that his paper was due within the hour or at the end of those six minutes, no concrete proof has emerged that such a due date exists.
Simmons smashed the previous record of interrupted study on Lau 2 by four minutes. (Editor’s note: the record set in 1988 came before the advent of the internet and is thus disqualified by many record keepers.)
Bystanders described Simmons’ actions as completely altering the mood of Lau 2.
“I walked by and I didn’t see any tabs open like Facebook or Twitter so I thought he must be on his phone or talking to a friend,” said Lau 2 frequenter Megan McKinsey (SFS ’16). “It completely threw my world upside down.”
Curious bystanders congregated around Simmons by the end of the six minutes to ask him “what was going on” and if he could “stop that” because it was “making everyone uncomfortable.”
Simmons reportedly ended the work fest and restored the natural harmony of Lau 2 by instinctively pressing “command+t, f” to open Facebook without a conscious thought.
Simmons’ academic dean Alicia Dewittinger confirmed via phone to the Heckler that Simmons will be placed on the honor roll this year for his actions.
“Normally this is something we recommend putting at the top of your resume,” said Cawley Career Center Advisor Monique Crenshaw. “Employers want to know about this kind of thing.”