NEW SOUTH – Stating that he considers himself a hero regardless of the actual circumstance, freshman Danny Waters (COL ‘18) recently leapt into action to save his seizing roommate, Bill Canton (SFS ‘18), only to discover that Canton was “just jackin’ it, get the fuck off me, I’m not having a seizure, just get the fuck off me.”

New South 421: the site where Walters successfully made sure Canton was not dying.

“I thought that maybe he was epileptic,” said Waters.  “My dog Skippy was epileptic, and he died because we didn’t act quickly enough when he had an episode, so I sprang into action as soon I heard his sheets ruffle.”

The incident allegedly occurred Tuesday evening when Waters noticed a strange rustling emanating from beneath Canton’s bedsheets.  Waters, under the impression that his roommate was having a seizure, immediately thrust his fingers down Canton’s throat to “make sure that he wouldn’t choke on his tongue.”

“I don’t know what came over me,” said Waters.  “I couldn’t get the image of Skippy out of my mind.  I was haunted by Skippy’s ghost that night, I was haunted by the ghoul of my long-dead pup.  I can still feel his spirit with me now.  He’s licking my face and telling me, ‘I’m proud, Danny.  I’m proud of what you’ve done.’”

While recognizing that Waters’ mistake was well-intentioned, Canton has not yet been able to put the incident behind him.

“He had his fingers down my throat for 5 minutes!” said the self-pleasuring roommate.  “That motherfucker almost killed me, and he totally ruined the mood!”

Despite his new nickname of “boner killer,” Waters remains confident that he made the right choice in trying to rescue his roommate.

“I can’t tell you how relieved I am that he was just jackin’ it,” said the psychologically scarred dog-lover.  “I don’t know what I would do if I lost him again.  I wouldn’t change a thing in my response.”

At press time, Canton was mid-way through an actual seizure as Waters repeatedly shouted “stop, that’s gross!” and “couldn’t find a girl to do that for ya?”