HEALEY FAMILY STUDENT CENTER — Set to open Friday, The Hilltoss – The Corp’s new Salad and Smoothie Shop in the Healey Family Student Center – has been delayed indefinitely as a result of a rabbit infestation.

According to the CEO of the Corp, the infestation was entirely unexpected. “We planned for all the usual hangups and complaints we get about our services, but we did not anticipate rabbits.”

Rabbits.

Though an exterminator has visited the store multiple times, little progress has been made.

“We keep killing them to sell to the Pub to put in their burgers,” he said, “but they reproduce so fast. They’re like Catholic bunnies.”

The COO of the Corp explained the difficulty of removing the rabbits, which eat through several dozen wildly expensive salads daily: “we were going to spay and neuter them, but Vita Saxa threatened to stage a protest against all forms of animal birth control. We also tried snakes, but instead of eating the rabbits they just went straight for the quinoa. It’s a complete disaster.”

“Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise,” he added. “We now have more time to train our employees, so they’ll be much more discreet about texting while orders are being placed.”

No new opening date has been set for the store, but the Corp expects the delay to continue into December, until the beginning of the rabbit’s traditional hibernation period.