HEALY CIRCLE — “Every time a tour gets led and they refer to the ‘Gentle-MAN behind me’ my skin starts to crawl,” stated Jess Yu (NHS ‘18) to the Heckler.

Recently, Hotly Entrenched Students Hating Entrapment (HE/SHE) group has spoken out strongly on a topical issue. In a variety of circles around campus, students who do not identify with traditional gender roles or pronouns have been asking to be identified by gender-neutral pronouns. Examples include “Ne, Ve, or Ze” These can then be conjugated (Ze for example) to “Ze” instead of “He,” “hir” instead of “him,” and “hir” instead of “his.”

But now the gender neutral issue is spreading throughout campus to liberate inanimate objects.

“I mean look at John Carroll’s statue! His hair looks like Hillary Clinton’s and his apparell can only be called a floor length gown. Clearly his soul is crying out be liberated from the hostile association with traditional masculinity,” Yu continued.

Many students have responded with confusion and symptoms of anxiety at the prospect of having disgraced Georgetown’s esteemed founder.

“I love Georgetown,” Chad Ferguson (SFS ‘16) said, “and I feel awful that this whole time, whenever I’d see John Carroll I didn’t know that he… I mean hir… no wait, Shit! That’s exactly what they… Shit, I mean xe. That’s exactly what xe don’t want to be called.” *sigh* “I just don’t want to be haunted by a gender ambiguous Jesuit with two hundred years worth of sexual frustration pent up.”

Top options students have leaned toward to avoid accidently misspeaking seem to favor either ignoring the existence of the statute completely or inaudibly mumbling through explanations of who is pictured and then running away quickly.