RED SQUARE – Witnesses confirmed Wednesday afternoon that Keith Hansen (SFS ’17) followed a trail of pizza slices leading to a large cardboard box propped up with a stick that subsequently collapsed, trapping the Georgetown student under the box.

Onlookers corroborated reports that Hansen was seen at approximately 2 p.m. frantically picking up slices of pizza arranged in a whimsically winding path and devouring them.

Hansen, who has made the Dean’s list for the past 3 semesters, was described as “scurrying from one slice to the next,” said witness Jack Bartson (COL ’15).

Most onlookers agreed that they would probably do the same thing if they discovered a random trail of pizza slices on the ground.

Said one bystander, Caroline Kim (SFS ‘16), who has worked for Speaker of the House John Boehner, “who wouldn’t completely debase themselves for a few slices of subpar pizza?”

Witnesses reported that they only time Hansen stopped following the trail was to chew the pizza which saved him from being impaled by multiple anvils.

Upon reaching Red Square, Hansen was reportedly led directly under a large box, which was propped up with a stick.

Despite Hansen’s fluency in three languages and proficiency in advanced computer science, he did not apparently grasp the fact that the gigantic box in front of him was a trap.

Bystanders at the scene described the box as “large” and with the letters “ACME” on its side.

“Kind of odd really, but not out of place in Red Square,” said Kim.

Mr. Hansen, who has a cumulative GPA of 3.9, was allegedly unable to escape the confines of the aforesaid box.

At press time, that’s all folks.