PLANO, TX – Snapple Beverages announced Tuesday evening at a press conference a new marketing campaign, ‘Conspiracy Facts’ building off the successful Snapple Facts campaign. “Now, under every bottle cap there will be a fact so shocking and sneaky that it can’t possibly be true…. or is it?” said Snapple’s Press Secretary.   Previews released […]

HEALY HALL – Senior Vice President of Administrative Coordination & Efficiency Bennet Hughes announced today the creation of a redundant task force that will seek out ways to improve efficiency with Georgetown’s generally redundant bureaucracy. “The task force will be tasked with reducing inefficiency and practices that are not optimally designed and will encompass a […]

BOSTON – A team of physicians at MIT has released the results of a comprehensive study that found the controversial practice of cracking knuckles pretty fucking annoying. “We analyzed data from thousands of people and came definitively to the conclusion that cracking your knuckles is goddamn irritating,” said lead researcher Jean Bidault. “Reports from strangers […]

BUDAPEST – Syrian refugee Hamid Ashram issued a statement this evening from a temporary holding camp that all he desired was a home to settle down in and establish himself and from which to complain about some future tide of migrants ruining the country. “I come in search of peace and a second chance for […]

LEAVEY CENTER – Representatives from McKinsey & Company announced this morning that, in partnership with the Career Center, they would be offering an on-campus workshop to teach prospective employees how to sever ties with any personal moral system or code of ethics. “We pride ourselves on giving our students the best resources to secure a […]

HOUSTON, TX – The field for the Republican primary is crowded with colorful characters from all over the country, but with Jeb Bush marked as the establishment front-runner, it will take serious campaign ingenuity for a contender to leave with the nomination.   The primary fight is sure to be brutally competitive, with the strongest […]

CHAMPAIGN, IL – Brett Davis, intern at Strategies Solutions Inc., embarked on a wild, “totally bitchin’” journey back in time on Thursday morning with the office fax machine. As Davis opened paper tray 3 to fix a mysterious jam, he fell into a temporal wormhole that transported him, along with his copy machine, back to […]

CALIFORNIA – A group of prominent cannibals, worried about the deleterious effects of high levels of antibiotics in humans, announced Tuesday morning a boycott of all human flesh raised on antibiotics. In a press conference, man-eater Jason Franks called for healthier rearing practices that avoided using antibiotics as a catch-all solution to health problems.   […]

BAGHDAD – Iraqi officials expressed concern Wednesday evening that the United States has been flirting with younger, hotter conflicts around the Middle East.   “Iraq has been the U.S.’s primary engagement in the Middle East for over a decade, but now we’ve seen pretty obvious displays of the U.S. cozying up to Iran. They’re not […]

  HEALY- Scientists warned Wednesday morning that an increasingly heated home life will result in the complete elimination of Georgetown President John DeGioia’s hair by 2025. “If current trends continue, we are looking at full baldness in 10 years. That would be an aesthetic catastrophe, the effects of which may be irreversible,” said notable hair […]