YOUR RESIDENCE — In the throes of passionate copulation happening a floor above your room, local couple Lauren French (SFS ’17) and Mike Powell (COL ’17) paused to confirm with The Heckler that they were in dirty, dirty heaven.

“There are no words to describe how hot the past eighteen minutes have been,” said Powell, sweaty and grinning from ear to ear. “But honestly, I doubt that’s newsworthy. Everyone here is having great sex.”

The most normal thing everyone is doing all the time.

“It’s true,” said French, switching on a vibrator and subsequently drowning out the distant sounds of a self-help audio book coming from your computer. “This is just what college is.”

Witnesses say French and Powell were going at it so hard that their rhythms caused the unopened box of Trojans on your desk to quiver.

“We have really sweet, intimate moments, but yeah, we can also get very… um… frisky,” said French shyly, looking coyly at Powell and sharing an understanding that will be forever foreign to you.

Despite their frequent moans, French and Powell say no neighbors have complained.

“All of my neighbors are having sex regularly, so it’s like a mutual agreement,” said French. “Except for whoever lives directly below me. They’re quiet. But it’s totally possible that they’ve been in someone else’s bed night after night, and haven’t even noticed.”

“Regardless, we don’t feel the need to hide our sexual satisfaction, or our deep recognition of one another’s worth,” said Powell. “It’s ultimately a really sweet, totally universal thing.”

While you spent your weekend nights checking that you were “Offline” on Facebook and working through every episode of Family Guy, French and Powell say they were building an eternally fulfilling bond.

“I never imagined I would find someone that makes me feel so complete and so sexy and, just, worthwhile,” said Powell. “Not having that other half would be awful, but then again, everyone sane is already coupled up.”

“Love really is all you need,” said French, sighing with absolute rapture and contentment – similar to the feeling you got at 3 am last night whilst finishing off a spray can of Easy Cheese.

Powell and French say they have discussed a future together, and will likely be soaring over the country in a romantic hot air balloon around the same time that you’ll be fired from the local Wendy’s takeout window.