VILLAGE C EAST — As funds have recently become available the Georgetown Department of Public Safety has upgraded to the latest in on-campus crime prevention: 12-Speed Huffy Bikes.
It is unclear if the bikes will be camouflaged.
Georgetown’s most notable crime syndicates, the Mazzetti Family, Los Gatos Crew, and those skecthy emo kids who smoke outside of Lau sometimes, have been rumored to have fallen into chaos at the news.
But even lesser known criminals have been known to feel the heat from the recent news. A student who asked only to be identified and Jesse was willing to speak out for the unaffiliated criminals on campus.
“I mean everyone from the Lau cubes graffitti-ers to the sophomores who fill up tupperware with cereal at Leo’s are terrified. These bikes give us no safe haven,” Jesse stated, “I mean my parents are pissed I’m not Phi Beta Kappa, and if they find out I stick gum under the Reiss desks, I’m done.”
These crimes have warranted significant attention around campus and are considered to be the top priorities for these DPS officers sporting such smooth gear-shifting vehicles, muscular calves, and un-encumbering bike shorts.
Rod Farva, a recent and enthusiastic new hire of the department was more than happy to comment. “Ahh these lil’ puppies can really pick up some speed. Think you can out-run the GUPD going up the hill by Regents? BAM! Shift gears! Gotcha. Yeah basically, we can access anywhere on campus now. Except anywhere involving a door, stairs, fine gravel, mud, railings, heavy foot traffic, uneven cobblestone, elevators, turnstiles, counters, recently-mopped tile, or shag carpet. Other than that, we’re golden!”
When asked to comment about whether the 12 Speed-Huffy made up for officer Farva’s physical inability to ride up the hill outside of New South, this reporter was instructed to, “suck it” before the officer awkwardly pedalled away.
Reports remain unconfirmed that the next increase in the departmental budget will be put towards flame decals, a new tire pump, and/or “baseball cards that make that really cool motorcycle sound when you tape them to your spokes”.
