LEAVEY — A small group of students, self-described as “committed to the principles of selfishness,” announced they have won University recognition for their new club TAKES.
According to founder William Hartnell (MSB ‘16), TAKES, which stands for “The Alliance of Kleptomaniacs Encouraging Selfishness,” will be an organization devoted to “promoting that dickish, selfish, competitive spirit around campus.”
Hartnell told the Heckler that he was initially going to focus on community outreach and ways to take advantage of the community.
“My organization will have regular meetings of RAT groups, or ‘Random Acts of Thievery’ groups, where members will plan how to best screw over others.”
During the approaching holiday season many students will be looking for outlets to combat rising cheerfulness.
RAT Pack leader Mark Decker (SFS ‘17) explained the Heckler that he joined TAKES because he “was worried about recent influxes of generosity and positive emotion on campus.”
Decker said “it will be an honor” to contribute to student’s high stress levels during finals season.
“You look at students during this time and you think ‘there’s no way they could be even more stressed out’ but soon they’ll see just how wrong they are about the benevolence of man,” said Decker.
Proposed RATs will include dorm-wide robberies, massive academic fraud, a weekly Lau search and seizure, surprise 3 AM break-ins, and phishing attacks.
Student reaction thus far has been largely positive.
“During my time here I’ve seen a lot of students engage in acts of isolated, non-coordinated selfishness,” said Amanda Saunders (SFS ‘17). “It will be nice to finally get this sentiment fully mobilized.”
The club has received some SAC funding, but Hartnell reassured members that the club will “steal anymore if at all possible.”
“Selfishness is actually pretty cheap. I’m not too worried,” said Hartnell.
Hartnell told the Heckler that any student interested in joining TAKES should bring high-quality alcohol to his Village A apartment and “immediately leave.”
“This is really what TAKES is all about,” said Hartnell.