VITAL VITTLES — Junior Matt Roth’s (SFS ’16) hopes to flirt with cashier Molly Hyde (COL, ’16) at Vital Vittles were rendered impossible with his purchase of approximately 12 rolls of toilet paper.

At 1:30 pm on Monday, Roth approached the check-out counter with both arms wrapped around two six-packs of Charmin extra-durable toilet paper rolls before realizing Hyde, who had lived on his freshmen dorm floor, was behind the register.

Roth (SFS ’16) said he was planning on buying more toilet paper but only two Charmin packages were left.

“I knew the toilet paper wouldn’t help, but I was confident I could smooth-talk my way around it,” said Roth.

After approximately 10 seconds of failed small talk, though, onlookers described Matt as “desperately trying to salvage any dignity”. In an attempt to break the silence as Hyde bagged the rolls, Roth reportedly said, “Chipotle, am I right?” to which Hyde asked, “What?”

Hyde, working the afternoon shift, said she tried to be friendly but was distracted by the implications of the transaction.

“Matt is cute, sure. And I know everybody poops,” said Hyde, “but still, 12 rolls? That’s gross.”

Roth said he’ll try again next time Hyde is working, but he’ll buy “something cooler, like whole milk or Mountain Dew.”