BUCKINGHAM PALACE—Multiple sources have confirmed to the Heckler that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II spent this past weekend sending multiple drunk texts to Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi in order to get the two countries back together.
The conversation began with Her Majesty texting “Hey we should hang out together again sometime :)” while at trade meeting with leaders from the European Union.
After wining and dining foreign heads of state, the Queen sent “this sux. Wish u were here ;)” and “we would still be together if not for that Gandhi guy lmao.”
Elizabeth was repeatedly nudged to get off her phone and listen to Portuguese President Anibal Cavaco Silva’s presentation on trade relations across the Eurozone but claimed that she was “looking for the perfect emoji” to send to Modi. Elizabeth ultimately settled on the monkey with its hands over its eyes.

When asked for comment, Modi replied that Her Majesty “always gets like this when she’s had a few” but that her efforts are “usually focused on Canada” due to their “close relationship after their breakup” and “flirtatious cultural and economic ties.”
Queen Elizabeth had begun composing a message to Barack Obama in the hopes of gaining the sympathy of an ex who had moved on to bigger and better things post-breakup, but passed out before being able to hit send.