NEW YORK — Time has not been kind to Georgetown Alumni Patrick Wood (MSB ’04) since failing Edward Forty-hands one April evening in 2003.

Ten years after graduation, the unfinished forty ounce malt liquor bottles remain duct taped to the former Hoya’s hands, destroying his chance of a normal life.

The Heckler met with Patrick to discuss how he deals with this adversity.

“Every day is a struggle,” said Wood, failing miserably to grasp a cup of tea between the decade old glass bottles still attached to his hands.  “It can take ten minutes just to brush my teeth.”

Patrick’s life changed the day that he and his fellow Village A roommates decided to play a game of Edward Forty-hands together.

The challenge: finish both forty ounce bottles taped to your hands by the end of the night or never take them off.

“I was so close,” laments Wood from the basement of his childhood home, fighting back tears, “I wish every day I’d just passed out after drinking a little more.”

Gripping objects is a challenge for Wood.  Doorknobs take minutes to twist.  Television remote buttons are completely impossible.  Wood has even had to purchase specially tailored shirts that allow him to fit the bottles through the sleeve holes.

We reached out to Wood’s former roommates for comment, who insisted that under no circumstances could he remove the bottles or he’d be “a little bitch.”

At press time, Wood was struggling badly to hide the two Colt .45 malt liquors attached to his appendages during an interview for a loan.