36TH & N STREET – Frustrated by the failure of handing out lollipops to reduce unwanted noise at night, the Office of Neighborhood Life has resorted to more drastic measures – forcibly attaching ball gags to rowdy students’ faces.   “At some point we had to ask ourselves, ‘Who are we fooling?’” said Greg Wilkins, […]

Prospect Street – Local landlord Thomas Wilkinson noted that something seemed “pretty off” with his property at 3356 Prospect St. as multiple fire crews worked to extinguish a raging fire that had engulfed the townhouse.   “I can’t be 100% sure, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that the house was not on fire when […]

HENLE VILLAGE – Expressing yet another complaint about their ground floor Henle apartment, the Ratcliffe family (made up of six brown rats) has come to believe that several college students have taken up residence in their home.   “I think I can hear them rustling around every morning at around 11, making those awful noises,” […]

I STREET NW—Citing its success in helping young students across the District of Columbia, Georgetown DC Reads proudly announced it will now be offering tutoring in a new Foggy Bottom location. The new location is a direct response to the startlingly low levels of literacy that recent studies have discovered in students residing the area […]

ICC— In a shocking turn of events, ICC 101 has been completely taken over by a horde of Varanus komodoensis — also known as Komodo dragons. Just how these large predatory lizards invaded the classroom is still unknown, as the University’s crisis investigators have gotten a slow start on the case. “I found dozens of […]

HENLE- In a breaking news update, sophomore Jack Henderson (Col ’17) has informed Heckler reporters that he will not be having a “hella dope spring break with the boys” after all.   Mere moments before submitting his deposit on the resort and purchasing his plane ticket, guaranteeing him fun in the sun down in Mexico, […]

LEAVEY — Citing fears that a large part of Georgetown’s athletic history may be lost on future classes, New Student Orientation will feature an informative 5-hour program to educate incoming freshman on Georgetown’s athletic rivalry with Syracuse.   The program, which will take place for the first time during NSO 2015, comes in anticipation of restarting a […]

CAR BARN —  The wait is finally over.  In anticipation of the snow filled months ahead, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick has proudly unveiled a new option for the ride sharing company’s Eskimo customers: Uber Dog Sled.   “For years, our northern customers have been asking for a winter option for travel to which they’re more […]

NEW YORK — Time has not been kind to Georgetown Alumni Patrick Wood (MSB ’04) since failing Edward Forty-hands one April evening in 2003.   Ten years after graduation, the unfinished forty ounce malt liquor bottles remain duct taped to the former Hoya’s hands, destroying his chance of a normal life.   The Heckler met […]

  OUTSIDE LEAVEY — Following the closing of another entrance after Thanksgiving break due to continued Northeast Triangle construction, University officials have reported students sole option to enter the Leavey Center is through the window of Todd Olson’s office on the fifth floor.   This controversial move, which the administration claims has been part of […]