HEALY — Following the theft of the iconic but largely symbolic Healy tower clock hands, Amish Student Union President Jacob Hershberger (COL ’16) reported that the group has “completely” lost track of the time. “We were supposed to assemble at 3:30 to build a new barn on Kehoe field, but that plan has fallen apart in light of the recent theft,” said the group’s Director of Horse and Buggy Operations Samuel Yoder (SFS ’15) in a thick Pennsylvania Dutch accent. The ASU, one of the few student groups on campus to not post an instagram of the empty facade of the clock tower, has said several members are currently scrounging around the neighborhood for antiquated time-telling devices to fill in during the interim. “Tis a shame, but I’m sure a few Germanic hymns can fix this problem in no time,” said Abram Hochstetler (COL ‘15). The ASU has, since early this morning, been unsure of the exact time but has said they are “still fairly confident about the century we are in.”