Sebastian “Stud Lips” Remington (NHS ’15) in between sex.

HEALY — Under direct recommendation from the Vatican, Georgetown administration has decided to lift its ban on the sale of condoms to Sebastian “Stud Lips” Remington (NHS, ‘15) who is currently engaging in a “concerning amount” of sex on campus.

Director of Student Health Services, Matthew Anderson, said that the current barrier to acquiring contraceptives on campus was not enough to curb the senior’s “coital rampage,” which peaked last week following the end of classes.

“Because of the sheer amount of unprotected sex [Remington] has been having, we can estimate that in 50 years, at least 2% of the population will be able to trace their lineage directly back to him,” said Anderson. “It’s like if Genghis Kahn had access to Tinder and could perpetually orgasm.”

GUPD is investigating the potential motives behind the phenomenon, as the number of sexual partners, both male and female, Remington has had per day “can’t possibly be enjoyable.”

Rumors have circulated that a post on Yik Yak from September, reading, “Imma make gtown=gonorrhea-town,” but according to Ronald Machen, the U.S. attorney for DC, this is not enough evidence to make an arrest.

“Of course, the National Guard will intervene if it gets out of hand,” said Machen, who also warned that Northwest DC is quickly turning into “ground zero for every kind of hepatitis. The kid is like an incendiary bomb of sperm.”

Pope Francis, whose council was sought after following initial unsuccessful efforts to reign in the libidinous student, was initially tentative about lifting the contraceptive ban.

“I was initially hopeful to maintain our 2,000 year objection to preventing the contact of sexual fluids on religious ground but after seeing statistics on how much sex this kid was having, I was like, ‘Jesus fucking Christ, get this kid some Trojans’,” said the Pope.

“The whole thing is gross, but we’ll take the small victory,” said H*yas for Choice spokesperson Abby Daniels (COL, ’17).