An artist’s sketch of the incident in the theology department.

HEALY HALL—In a move to “bring the University back to its Catholic identity,” conservative professors say that they will be conducting Problem of God classes entirely in Latin this semester.

The movement is being spearheaded by Professor Gregor the Pius, who when asked for comment, posited, “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetuer” before nodding benevolently and repeatedly whispering “cura personalis” to himself.

This effort has not been met with complete acceptance, with a growing number of Theology professors voicing their displeasure. “I think the best way to connect with students is to speak to them in a way they can understand” said Professor Martin Calvin, a prominent member of the resistance movement, adding “every common man should have the class taught to them in the vernacular of their own Western European nation.”

Calvin and others recently staged a protest by nailing 95 complaints on the door of the theology department which were particularly critical of Gregor’s system of indulgences, whereby students could make financial contributions in order to achieve academic salvation in the form of a passing grade.

GUPD however quickly took down the complaints, citing that the department’s door was “not a free speech zone” and asked the protestors to move to Red Square. When some protestors refused to comply, the officers brandished their signature pole-axes and lances, causing the remaining demonstrators to scurry.

At press time, each section of the Latin class had a significant wait list.

One enrolled student, David Lorenzo (COL ’18), claimed that he “simply couldn’t miss out on the language cross list” in order to fulfill his general education requirements, and added that he looked forward to the class, stating “I mean what’s more Georgetown than taking PoG in Latin?”