LEAVEY CENTER – Following recent criticisms of worker homogeneity, The Corp is set to release a new series of personalities for its baristas and cashiers later this week.

Three transformative and radically improved personality options including “Not Popular in High School,” “Introverted and Average Looking,” and “Genuinely Interested in Customer Service” will debut in each of The Corp’s six campus locations on a rolling basis.

“We’re very excited about these new additions to the Corp family,” The Corp CEO Ram Sodman (MSB ’15) told reporters while waiting in line at Midnight MUG for his fifth espresso of the day.  “We want to show students how responsive The Corp can be to their needs. It was either this or lobotomies.”

Sodman says that current employees have responded positively to the new proposal.

“This is perfect, because one of my favorite things about the Corp has always been its diversity,” exclaimed MUG barista Sarah Berner (COL ’16) as she flicked her Pantene commercial hair.  “Each of us has our own unique music taste in artists who you’ve never heard of before, and we all have a different favorite machine at Yates that faces the mirrors for the entire workout.  Diversity.”

The Corp also announced that they hope to stock new personalities for non-Corp students in Vital Vittles and Hoya Snaxa by the end of the semester. According to President Sodman, options will include “Bragging Less About Unpaid Summer Internships” and “Not Bitter About Being Rejected From The Corp.”