Early in the morning of March 28th, Republican Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) received a text from the official phone number of the Iranian Clerical Leadership. The text was simply a sunglasses emoji.
Many in Washington are speculating as to what exactly the Geopolitical implications are of this correspondence. Some insist that it details a cooling of affairs between the contentious nations, while others insist it was the Iranians “just having a good time”. In light of this confusion, American foreign affairs specialists have turned to an expert in emoji usage and structural patterns, fourteen year-old Jenna Stevens.
“Historically speaking, this text is most frequently used when I’m just, like, at the beach having a great time. Nevertheless, this does entail some sort of a blasé response to the letter put fourth by the Republican leadership,” Stevens noted.
Other experts have gleaned a more foreboding interpretation of the cool, calm smiley face.
Said a spokesperson for Sen. Cotton, “Is he wearing those shades to protect his eyes from a nuclear blast? Is he smiling at the destruction of the U.S. and its allies? We just don’t know.”
Many inside of the U.S. Senate report that republican leaders are scrambling to assemble a response. On the table have been a number of emojis, spanning from smiley faces, a smiling pile of twirled dog poop, to the depiction of a frowning cat. However, discussions in Washington remain at a standstill. Influential Republican John McCain (R-AZ) insists on a “little red devil” response, while Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) thinks a more tempered response is in order.
“Waiving hand emoji!” Murkowski yelled in the Senate, pounding her fists on the lectern, “we need the waiving hand emoji. These people want to engage with us and if we want to unseat the president, this is how we do it. A slow, developing relationship that starts with a waiving hand and may even grow into a cartoon sick face if they every say something gross. This is where we begin.”
Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) saw the message as a hopeful signal of better relations to come. “I do not know what the Republicans are freaking out over,” said Boxer. “If the other person texts first, it means they’re into you.”
Though much focus has been put upon the actions within the U.S. Senate, at the White House response to the text has been grim. The president condemned Iranian leadership for channeling diplomatic communications outside of official cables.
“I don’t know, they could have sent us anything,” President Obama said in an address to the press on Monday, “it’s just really frustrating when you’re trying so hard and then they go and send a text to the Senate. I just hate it.”
Deliberations will likely go on in Washington through the end of the week, and no one is ready to take anything off the table.
“I’ve prepared a series of condescending YikYaks” Sen. McCain said, “I don’t think they’ll see that coming.”
