WASHINGTON – As the nation reels from last week’s revelation that Jeb Bush self-identified as Hispanic on a 2009 voter registration form, attendees of Bush’s quinceañera have had enough. The party, held belatedly last week in an effort to control the potential Presidential candidate’s sudden PR crisis, was chock full of people who insisted that Bush had done no wrong because race and ethnicity are separate concepts.
“Yeah, so obviously Jeb isn’t Latino. But he does identify as Hispanic, and it’s unfair for people to make a huge deal about that,” said former Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher (R), grabbing a BBQ tamale from a nearby server’s tray. “Jeb was born Hispanic; the only reason he didn’t have a quinceañera years ago was that he was afraid of being accepted.”
Familial acceptance, however, seemed to be no issue – one of the most emotional moments of the night was the traditional “first dance,” in which Jeb and George H. W. Bush waltzed to a Toby Keith song.
“Despite the circumstances in which he was outed, I’m proud,” remarked Barbara Bush, waiting to present Jeb with his first pair of high heels. “It must have been so hard for him to go to Phillips Academy, to work on various Republican campaigns… just knowing he was Hispanic, and feeling like he had to hide it from the world. Now he can be free.”
In the face of mounting scrutiny, Mrs. Bush has repeatedly affirmed the right of her son to celebrate his transition into Hispanic adulthood without a barrage of media criticism.
“As for people saying that Jeb is obviously not Hispanic – fuck you. This is 2015. Get over yourself and accept that race and ethnicity are different. He may be white, but there is no one more representative of Hispanic culture than Jeb,” said Barbara over the sounds of gunfire coming from the yard’s clay pigeon shooting station.
Bush’s Hispanic identity comes as a surprise to most Americans, who assumed that the former Governor of Florida would have identified as Caucasian. However, those that know Jeb best reminded The Heckler that such assumptions are ethnonormative.
“To tell the truth, I always kind of suspected,” said George W. Bush, Jeb’s older brother and former President of the United States. “He always ordered for the both of us at the Taco Bell drive-thru window.”
