via Collider.com

The Imitation Game honors Alan Turing, the British math genius whose groundbreaking machine allowed the Allies to decode messages encrypted by the German Enigma. Such originality—such unabashed inventiveness—only arrives once a generation. And this generation will be no exception.

At the time I saw the Imitation Game, I was drawing up plans for a revolutionary new machine of my own. Inspired by Turing’s brilliance, which mirrored my own, I have decided to publicly share my design for the first time. Let this article be the earliest record of a device that will forever alter freshman floorcest.

It is estimated that Turing’s decryption work shortened the war in Europe by two years. It is estimated that my machine will shorten the amount of time it takes Alice Silverman to totally want to be my girlfriend by almost ten minutes. You may have heard Teresa describe my technique as “slobbery” and “literally just jabbing repeatedly with [his] tongue,” but never again. My machine will end that—not just for me, but for all gentlemen looking for love. Alice will be merely the first lucky female to benefit from a new era of masterful frenching, all inspired by my invention.

Welcome to the Future: