CALIFORNIA – A group of prominent cannibals, worried about the deleterious effects of high levels of antibiotics in humans, announced Tuesday morning a boycott of all human flesh raised on antibiotics. In a press conference, man-eater Jason Franks called for healthier rearing practices that avoided using antibiotics as a catch-all solution to health problems.
“I am worried about the health of my children. With the proliferation of antibiotics, it’s likely that any femur or foot off the grocery store shelf contains a veritable laundry list of dangerous toxins. Eating your average sales clerk from Duluth amounts to ingesting a pound’s worth of vancomycin, penicillin, and tetracycline nowadays,” said chief cannibal Edward Goggins.
“I just don’t feel comfortable chomping down on someone’s thighs or juicy thumb meat, knowing that it’s chock full of antibiotics,” said child flesh connoisseur Brent Housermaier.
Health experts hailed the move as a first step towards sustainable people-eating practices.
“Numerous studies have found that people raised on a diet supplemented with frequent use of antibiotics pose a significant risk to the environment and to the health of consumers,” said food scientist Peter J. Witherington, PhD. “A consistent diet of human meat will increase the concentration of deadly toxins to life-threatening levels.”
Cannibals join a long list of groups swearing off meat tainted with high levels of antibiotics. They are the first, however, to repudiate consumption of human meat, which experts have noted contains higher levels of antibiotics than cow, pig, or chicken flesh. Human meat processing companies, however, maintain that their products are safe for consumption.
“There is nothing wrong with raising people on a steady diet of grain and vancomycin, then later converting them into a delectable range of meat products,” said industry executive Vance B. Foster.
At press time, noted cannibals had expressed an additional concern – that many humans were spending too much time indoors. In the coming month, they plan to launch a campaign to promote “free-range” human stocks.
