TULSA, OKLAHOMA – James Lewis (MSB ’18) returned home on Thursday relieved to find that his life away from Georgetown is exactly as empty as he remembered it.

“The entire drive home I was haunted by these images of people in my hometown having plenty of things to do every night, high school acquaintances having adventures, and my parents genuinely enjoying themselves,” said Lewis. “I was worried I had been missing out this whole time. How exhilarating to find that things were just as wonderfully dull as they were when I left!”

“The sight of my parents just staring at the TV with glazed eyes, wearing the exact same khakis they had been wearing when I left in August… man, it’s just priceless,” Lewis continued. “I thought maybe they’d gotten hip while I was away.”

“I really feel bad for James,” Lewis’ younger brother Dalton reported. “I can’t imagine what it was like for him in DC, constantly having things to do. I can tell he’s excited to get some reprieve from that sense of purpose for four months.”

After the interview was over, Lewis asked the Heckler if he could excuse himself to a bowl of Cheerios and a “rousingly tedious” game of Mahjong Tiles on his computer, stating that he couldn’t wait to get back to his “hollow little shell of a life.”