COPLEY LAWN – After making the decision to tell his friends about the “crazy dream” he had last night, Wes Brummer (COL ’17) recounted the story whilst elegantly editing out the part where he had filthy sex with everyone in his audience.   Brummer was reportedly nervous about his ability to maintain a cohesive narrative, […]

HEALY HALL – After months of discussions between the two sides, representatives for the Bipartisan Anti-Hair Legion of DeGioia (BALD) have officially announced that negotiations to salvage university president John DeGoia’s hairline will be suspended indefinitely. “We’ve been locked in discussions with The Hair Is Not A Neglected Issue Now, DeGoia (THINNING) to reach an […]

TULSA, OKLAHOMA – James Lewis (MSB ’18) returned home on Thursday relieved to find that his life away from Georgetown is exactly as empty as he remembered it.   “The entire drive home I was haunted by these images of people in my hometown having plenty of things to do every night, high school acquaintances […]

WASHINGTON, DC – An insider for the Heckler has confirmed reports that Mitch Dawson (COL ’18) has become involved in DC’s underground organ trade syndicate after attempting to sell back this semester’s textbooks.   Reportedly disenchanted with the offers from various options on campus for book buy-back, Dawson began to seek out other avenues through […]

via HighTimes.com WASHINGTON, DC – Marijuana’s reputation as a “gateway” drug was recently corroborated by a recent study showing an incredibly high correlation between how long a person has used the drug and the frequency with which he or she brings it up in conversation.   Marijuana users’ tendency to move onto more dangerous habits […]

Photo via Huffington Post 36th STREET– In a miraculous turn of events sure to be retold for years to come, Andrew Watkins (COL ’16) rose from the floor of his townhouse this morning for the first time after slipping into an alcohol-induced coma three days earlier. According to eye-witness reports, Watkins hosted a party in […]

VILLAGE A – Describing it as “an exasperating, perpetual burden,” self-important Hunter Rudolph (MSB ’16) reported suffering altitude sickness due to the high pedestal on which he places himself. Shortness of breath, nausea, headache, and tiredness are all symptoms that Rudolph claims to have experienced.   “I’m not one to complain. This comes with the […]

RED SQUARE – In a last-minute deviation from their traditional condomgram campaign, H*yas for Choice has begun distributing “NuvaRing Grams” to promote safe sex this Valentine’s Day.   Despite their rigorous promotion of “condomgrams,” in which individuals can purchase condoms for their friends, significant others, and potential sexual partners to be posted on their doors […]

LEO’S – Referring to it as an “infatuation” he “simply cannot control,” Jackson Hiatt (COL ’16) claims that the sexual tension between himself and the Leo’s omelette maker has reached an “almost unbearable” level.   “I remember the first time I ordered an omelette. It was a Sunday morning in late September. The overcast skies […]

VILLAGE A – An insider to the Heckler has reported that environmentally friendly student Michael Barnard (MSB ’15) has been using the same exact tissue to clean up after masturbating for almost four straight years.   “I remember arriving in my freshman dorm three and a half years ago, ready to rub one out after […]