STANFORD, CA—A new study published this week by economic researchers at Stanford University made a shocking finding regarding the unequal distribution of the nations wealth of Wes Anderson films. Published last Monday, it reveals that the top 1% of donors to Senator Bernie Sanders’ 2016 presidential bid, in fact, own 85% of the entire country’s supply of the “unique” filmmaker Wes Anderson’s filmography on videocassette.
Dr. Raymond Epstein, the lead researcher in this study warned that these findings are more worrisome than the public may initially think.
“Economies have long allocated the nation’s wealth of Wes Anderson VHS tapes to create winners and losers. And that’s OK. The problem arises when the balance becomes so incredibly lopsided among the candidates those individuals choose to support,” said Epstein.
According to the Stanford study, Sanders’ Anderson VHS distribution numbers are up 24% from President Obama’s 8 years ago, when Obama was polling at very similar levels against Hillary Clinton that Sanders is today.
“What is so shocking about our findings is that it is exemplary of an economy flirting with disaster,” Epstein continued. “The more concentrated the wealth of Anderson films gets in the attentive public the greater the likelihood that we will end up with a nominee beholden to a base stuck in whimsical fantasies of quirky white bullshit.”
In trying to offer an explanation for the data, the study brings new life to the Hipster Theory of economics, once thought to be an outdated way of explaining societal phenomena of the past.
Said Epstein, “Young progressive white people increasingly choose—oftentimes selectively—to exist as though they are still living in the 1990s.” This may account for the group’s unequal access to a machine called a VCR that the study defines as a “videocassette recorder.” This antiquated contraption has been rightfully replaced by better and more reliable technology, but nonetheless has the capability to play these Anderson VHSs, as this cohort will say, “the way they were actually intended to be experienced.”
Epstein finds it fascinating that “everything in the lives of these one percenters is actually just pop culture wrapped in man bun, bird tattooed packages mass produced to make them think they are ‘special’ and ‘unique’ without having to risk any real social capital.” Furthermore, “the scary part is, it seems to be working.”
The mobilization of this group’s cause, as represented in the Stanford study’s results, demonstrates the potential for complete economic chaos if Sanders were elected. The researchers predict the possibility of an America where the entirety of the agriculture and manufacturing sectors would be supplanted by coffee joints and niche knick-knack stores all run by indifferent 20-somethings.
When asked for comment, Senator Sanders claimed he had not seen the study but looked forward to “working to ensure that uniqueness would be completely eradicated” as soon as he took office.
