PORTLAND, OR—After sitting at his desk in uncomfortable sexual arousal for the past 40 minutes, Trinity Academy 7th grader Scott Campbell said that he had to accept that the erection he got at the beginning of class was not going anywhere anytime soon.   According to Campbell, the situation was dire but stable.   “It was […]

STANFORD, CA—A new study published this week by economic researchers at Stanford University made a shocking finding regarding the unequal distribution of the nations wealth of Wes Anderson films. Published last Monday, it reveals that the top 1% of donors to Senator Bernie Sanders’ 2016 presidential bid, in fact, own 85% of the entire country’s supply of […]

  GUPD was powerless to help H*yas for Choice, as armed combat on horseback is technically protected behavior under Georgetown’s designated “free speech zones”.  

News-in-Pictures: Future Robot Overlords will Remember What You Did to that Universal Remote

BALTIMORE—An atom that has existed since the beginning of the universe was stunned and devastated to learn that it will spend the rest of its being as part of a plastic molecule inside a big pink dildo. “It’s hard to believe that I began my existence by witnessing the beginning of everything in the Big […]

Hoyas and 3rd graders alike rejoiced following the arrival of Scholastic’s annual book fair.

GEORGETOWN—A combination of increased campus construction and freezing winter temperatures have resulted in the fracturing of many on-campus walkways and sidewalks in the Georgetown neighborhood. “The omnipresent pavement cracks has been devastating for student’s mothers, and thousands have been hospitalized for their shattered vertebrae,” said GUPD Chief Jay Gruber. The sons and daughters of the […]