WASHINGTON – Sighing about a sprinkler malfunction on his lawn that will be a “pricey fix,” the 44th president of the United States of America was spotted walking the full length of his driveway to fetch the paper this morning, dressed only in his bathrobe, a pair of Ugg slippers, and a Grateful Dead tee-shirt. “Morning Jim,” said the ex-commander-in-chief to unsuspecting neighbor James Daley whilst bending down to pick up the latest copy of the Washington Post, “Tuesdays, am I right?” By all reports, Daley was so disturbed by the sight that he nearly forgot to water his azaleas. “I mean I understand that he was one of the most influential leaders in American history, and enacted policies that will allow for opportunity and progress transcending race, gender, and socioeconomic status for years to come,” he explained, “but come on! At least put on some pants or something.” At press time, the man formerly in charge of the nuclear codes was having trouble remembering a 5-letter word for “Yo-Yo Ma’s instrument.”