The Heckler would like to extend a reminder to all of the current GUSA candidates: we do in fact accept bribes. We’ll take bribes in any form at any time. Money, beer, food, you name it. Want a nice, flattering article about how you once saved a small child from falling off of a bridge while simultaneously settling a dispute between the neighborhood and student body? Send us something. Anything. We love this stuff.

Recommended bribes include:

• Money. Cash. Sweet sweet moola.
• Wisey’s sandwiches. We won’t even be picky, as long as it’s a Hot Chick.
• A.H. Hirsch 16-year-old Straight Kentucky Bourbon.
• A pony.
• Subscriptions to Glamour or Cover Girl magazines.
• Edward Snowden. We are big fans and would never, ever turn him over to government.
• Toilet paper.

Bribery is easy, fast, and fun. We at the Heckler embrace it. Let us know.