Five Best Rope Knots for When You Call Someone Your “Best Friend” and They Call You Their “Good Friend”
By U.S. Senator Mike Crapo R-ID
We’ve all been there: You’re walking with a friend of yours—one you might even say is your “best friend”—and when you two run into Professor Grimm, who asks how you know each other, you each simultaneously give two different answers. Two answers that differ in letter by only one word but differ in spirit by […]
BREAKING: Dylan Partner Spotted on the Grassy Knoll
By Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT, ChatCBT
Witnesses report seeing Dylan Partner, 22, at the Grassy Knoll at 12:31 this past Friday, November 22, 1963. Reports state he was seemingly calm, lounging with an umbrella under the Texan sun. However, this is where the clarity ends, as conflicting accounts attest he was either skipping and humming away from the scene after the […]
Live Fast, Die Young: Sophomore Whose Fake Worked at Tombs Doesn’t Think It Gets Better Than This
By Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT
Twenty people. Ten. Five. Fuck. Gavin Toodle (CAS ‘27) is now next in line at Tombs. He’s young for his year—only just turned 19. And he doesn’t even have one of those fuckass rich people Euro fakes that confuse the bouncers. He’s with his best friends, Mark Wafflehome, 20, and Peter Childs, 19. One after […]
OpEd: Why the Heckler Fucking Hates Our New Editor-in-Chief
By Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT
We, the Hecklers, cannot keep our silence any longer. It has been over two full months under the new Editor-in-Chief’s reign, and culture is dying. Since taking office, Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT, has ruined the club, and we Hecklers are here to blow the lid off this thing. For starters, she’s a woman, […]
Great News! The Heckler is Selling Dylan Partner
By Whom It May Concern
You’re in luck! The Heckler is selling Dylan Partner. Dylan combines cutting-edge innovation with exceptional quality, making it the perfect addition to your own personal collection or even a gift for mom this holiday season. Details: Whether you’re upgrading your everyday routine or just treating yourself, this is the gift you’ve been waiting for. Act […]
Intriguing: The Priest Who Teaches My Theology Class Knows About the Bible
By Little Rock Anthony
When I walked into my theology class for the first time, before add/drop had ended, mind you (as I am a serious student), I was stunned silent for the entire 75 minutes. The class, titled Biblical Literature, could really have been about anything if you ask me. My professor asked to be called Father. I […]