GEORGETOWN – It is a cold and sobering day for Georgetown athletics. Early this afternoon, unexpecting students received the heartbreaking news that the Georgetown administration, despite extensive efforts, has failed to retain beloved head coach John Thompson III.

“This loss comes as a shock to all of us,” explained athletics director John McKenzie, between large gulps of scotch. “We had been planning to build an even bigger athletics building right next to the first one this coming year – we thought maybe that might make him stay, but unfortunately it just wasn’t enough. I just wish there was more I could have done.”

Reports indicate that Thompson turned down several contract renewal offers, including a 200% raise in his salary and even a spot starting as shooting guard on the team, but Thompson had his mind made up. “Look, you need to open your eyes, this team has been horrible for me. They wouldn’t know how to be coached if it slapped them in the face,” said Thompson, while stepping into a stretch limousine outside McDonough. “They lost two seasons in a row, two seasons people, it’s unheard of. Everyone knows I’m the best coach, everyone says that. The university spends literally zero dollars on athletics, I’ve seen the numbers, it’s all going to the arts, it’s sad. Just sad. I’m going to do great things, the best things, but not here. No.”

At press time, Thompson’s limo pulled away to the cheers of thousands of students, whose cries of jubilation could only possibly be explained as an adoring tribute to a wonderful man and his illustrious career.