GEORGETOWN – In an effort to combat lagging print readership, Hoya executives have added a scruffy street urchin to their marketing team. Students should be on the lookout for the small boy’s ragged felt cap and prepubescent cries of “Extra! Extra! 5-page spread on GUSA spending!” as early as next month. The new strategy hopes to attract more readers who are not themselves featured in the publication and thus have no reason to send a copy to their grandparents.

A member of the Hoya’s marketing team expressed confidence in the boy’s cherubic features, saying that the urchin “will beg you to take him under your wing, ask about his undeserved hardships, and read about club tennis’s rebuilding phase.” However, the question remains as to whether the sad, long-forgotten child waving them down will be enough to convince students to read the print edition.

Other sources within the Hoya are less confident in the new measure’s ability to harken back to a time in which child labor laws were loose and print journalism was still relevant, and are advocating for abolishing the print version altogether. This small faction within the staff isn’t expected to gain any traction, due to lack of real-world examples of struggling print journalism.