DARNALL  416 – Friends and peers alike have been avidly awaiting the Keith Masterson’s (NHS ’20) first sexual encounter. After almost a full year of posing as an “easy-going, fun-loving dude,” Masterson is ready for the elaborate scheme to pay off. His partner this evening is Marisol Ortega (COL ’20). A beautiful brunette from Bogota by way Cincinnati, Ortega met Masterson at a “casual” kickback at their mutual friend, John Rothberg’s (COL ’20) Village C West dorm. An days-long texting conversation ensued. Now, many commentators have remarked that Masterson may be shooting too far out of his league, but tonight there will be an official record of moment-to-moment action that can be judged by the public.

10:48 PM – Masterson has asked Ortega to his room.

10:49 PM – Request confirmed, departure from Village A F203

10:52 PM – Small talk about Masterson’s fictional band, The Left Footers.

10:55 PM – Anecdote about dog allergies, a Masterson classic

10:58 PM – Arrival

11:02 PM – Masterson continues the dog allergy anecdote

11:03 PM – Ortega kisses Masterson to make him stop telling the dog allergy anecdote

11:06 PM – Hand hovers over left breast

11:08 PM – Hand hovers over left breast

11:09 PM – Right breast?

11:10 PM – Nope, Masterson remains over left. He makes his initial move

11:15 PM – Masterson realizes he’s stifling both a sneeze and a fart

11:16 PM – Panic

11:18 PM – A snart.

11:20 PM – Bra relieved

11:21 PM – Bra reapplied

11:22 PM – Ortega comments on a foul smell

11:23 PM – “Oh no, oh no, oh no,” mutters Masterson

11:24 PM – Ortega is about to realize Masterson’s bowel movement

11:25 PM – Realized.

11:27 PM – Ortega departs.