KENNEDY HALL – After coming up empty on each of his first three attempts, sources confirmed that the search for sophomore Ryan Warwick’s keys had reached the final pocket of the history major’s jeans.

“I usually keep them in the front-right pocket to counterbalance the weight of my phone in the front-left, so when they weren’t there I knew something was wrong. I thought maybe they had wound up with my wallet in back-right but they weren’t there either. Now the only place I haven’t checked is the back-left and I never, and I mean never, put them there” said Warwick.

With a sense of impending doom, Warwick added that somewhere between the hundreds of pages of reading, club meetings, and shifts at the RHO, the most essential item in his life had somehow fallen through the cracks.

“If they aren’t here, I’m probably going to have to start trying to remember when I last saw them, making a list of all the places I was today, and tearing apart my backpack in a panicked frenzy. Shit, I might even have to post in the GAAP group.”

At press time, Warwick told reporters that if he were to by some grace of God find his keys, he would even consider buying a lanyard to wear around his neck at all times of the day.