WASHINGTON, D.C. – Uh-oh! Looks like Lincoln got out of his massive stone seat at the Memorial for just, like, one minute and then this kid took it. Tough luck! That’s what happens when you forget to call dibs, Mr. Lincoln.

“Well, shit,” Lincoln’s hundred-foot-tall stony likeness told the Heckler while glancing around for another place to sit, “I’ve gone and fucked this up, haven’t I?”

Apparently when Lincoln tried to reclaim the seat the elementary-schooler informed him, in between sips of his juice box, that he had now called both “dibs times infinity” as well as “no backsies.” That’s life in the fast lane for you!

“God damn it,” Honest Abe went on to add, “It didn’t even occur to me at any point in the last four score and seventeen years that I should be calling dibs. And now I get up to go the bathroom today and what happens? Some little snot-nosed brat comes in and takes my chair! I don’t know who I’m going stay with in the meantime; the Jefferson, Madison and Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial Statues all just did ‘Nosies’ but they’re still fighting about it.”

At press time, Lincoln’s huge stone visage was spotted relaxing near the Duke Ellington School of the Arts in Burleith, in the giant green Adirondack chair out front.