GEORGETOWN, D.C.

The Georgetown Genetics department released a report Monday that 50% of Hoyas inbreed with other Hoyas. After years of research, the research team has produced the first comprehensive account of the heinous side effects of Hoyas’ high intermarriage rate. The research team was headed by Dr. Lucas Sullivan, director of the Genetics department and the fifth-generation of his family to graduate from Georgetown. “Honestly, I didn’t even need to spend years researching; I only needed to look at my siblings and myself, all of whom are totally infertile!” said Dr. Sullivan as he spat out a handful of teeth.

Many have wondered what the impact of these new findings will be on Blue and Gray. Blue and Gray, the tour guide club, have famously prided themselves on sharing that 70% of Hoyas marry other Hoyas. However, this report has brought to light the tragic consequences of that phenomenon. Despite the popular concern over whether this factoid will remain in the standard Blue and Gray tour script, Patrick Healey-DeGioia III, the current President of Blue and Gray, explained that it is a moot issue. “Ironically, our strict preference for legacy students as tour guides has made this a non-issue for us in recent years,” said Healey-DeGioia. He said that “most of our tour guides’ heads are so outsized for their bodies that their necks are too weak to keep them upright. Consequently, the typical Blue and Gray tour guide drags his head along the ground behind his body as he walks. So most people can’t understand anything that they say anyway!” Admissions officers confirmed people returning from tours have been traumatized not only from the sickly state of Georgetown’s tour guides but also by the extreme facial asymmetry of Georgetown’s admissions officers themselves.