DARNALL HALL.

A groundbreaking study from the National Institute of Health rocked Georgetown’s Student Health Services late last night, inciting major controversy with its claim that the price paid for the accuracy of rectal thermometers is several minutes of excruciatingly awkward chit chat. This was a blow below the belt to the Georgetown medical community, who vocally contested the finding. Amid cries for a neutral observer to test the claim, the Heckler decided to step forward as this campus’s beacon of impartiality and end the dispute. This newspaper has always displayed a commitment to truth and a flair for unbiased investigative journalism, so we dispatched junior reporter Tom Peeper (SFS ‘21) to get to the bottom of this asinine and blatantly false claim.

Tom interviewed several patients, all of whom were experiencing the more accurate thermometers first hand, about their take on the scientists’ discovery. The patients uniformly reacted with the shock and surprise that we expected when Tom burst into the examination room to tell them the news. In a sad example of shooting the messenger, the vast majority of patients insisted that Tom leave, in a clear rejection of the chicanery and junk science put forward in this paper.

One patient, who declined to be photographed, went on the record on the subject. “Uh yeah, seems about right to me…” he stated, unable to meet the eye of our investigative journalist, no doubt out of shame for his fringe view. The interview then trailed off as both parties tried to think of something to say, rendered unable to speak by the patient’s wildly eccentric opinion and the medical instrument sticking out of his colon.