WASHINGTON – Amidst a flood of analyses and news reports concerning President Trump’s State of the Union address last night, one particular perspective was published live from the event by its chairs, who succinctly concluded: “OUCH. Relief. OUCH. Relief.”

“The night definitely had its ups and downs,” stated the report. “Each time they stood, it was a wave of pure, unburdened bliss. When Trump mentioned tax cuts, we were sure they were going to be done – the cheers, the raucous applause. Each time we prayed for the end, and each time we were mercilessly crushed.”

The report also included a scathing indictment of Congress for doling out this torture unproportionally. “The asshole sitting on me stood maybe twice the entire night,” said one chair on the Democratic side. “I thought for sure I’d get a break when Trump talked about veterans. But no. Excruciating, unending pain was all that America had in store for me that night.”

Sources indicate that a response is scheduled to be released by President Trump’s oval office chair within the next few days, entitled “You Fuckers Have No Idea What I’ve Been Through.”