GEORGETOWN – Students were shocked and confused this morning when reporting for classes in Georgetown’s own White-Gravenor Hall. This was primarily because White-Gravenor, which has stood at the Northern end of Copley Lawn since being finished in 1933, is no longer there, having been lost to Thayne McCulloh, President of Gonzaga University, in a hand of Texas Hold ‘Em at the Semi-Annual Jesuit Values Poker Tournament.

President John DeGioia, who played for Georgetown at the event, declined to personally comment. In an official statement issued by the university, Georgetown stood by DeGioia’s choice to bet the building as collateral to remain in the tournament, having run out of betting chips over the course of the past several rounds. The statement also emphasized that, “though this has been a particularly unfortunate turn of events, Georgetown University remains as committed as ever to the values celebrated by the tournament, and looks forward to hosting the event in 2020.” In a personal email leaked to the Heckler by an unnamed source, DeGioia wrote McCulloh that his winnings are “on their way.” “You wouldn’t fucking believe how difficult it is to relocate an entire building cross-country,” DeGioia added before signing off, “Flirtatiously yours, Jackie ‘DJ’ DeGioia, XoXo.”

Rumors circulating that DeGioia made the bet holding only a pair of twos are, at this time, unconfirmed, but likely, per an on-site source reporting to the Heckler that DeGioia made the bet after yelling “YOU GOTTA BET IT ALL TO WIN IT ALL.”