UGH- Sources around campus reported earlier today that Amy has no sit-down exams this semester. She only has three essays, but none of them are due until Friday. Amy plans to go home on Wednesday and just write her papers from there, so she can work in her kitchen where there’s so much natural light.

Yesterday, Amy was spotted on Lau 2, her materials spread all over a table while she scrolled on Instagram. Several of Amy’s acquaintances who walked by her table reported being stopped and asked how their finals were going. Before they even had a chance to answer, Amy allegedly flashed a pity smile before bragging that she only had three essays, and she was going home on Wednesday since they are due Friday. Witnesses observed that Amy lost interest in the conversation shortly after.

The news came as no surprise to Ester Davenport (COL ‘21). “Amy is only taking four classes this semester, and she never shuts up about it,” explained Davenport, downing a 5-Hour Energy. “Apparently her longest essay is only five pages,” she speculated. “I hope Amy’s laptop dies.”