Uh oh. There’s a leash and dog collar on the wall behind your professor during your Zoom meeting, and that can only mean one of two things: either they have a dog, or they’re a complete freak in the bedroom. How is one to know? Well, rest assured: just take this quick quiz to find out!

First of all, try to see if you can spot any dogs in your professor’s house over Zoom. If you spot any little puppers, great! That probably means your professor is not a freak. On the other hand, if you happen to spot someone clad in black leather cracking a whip at them and saying “Who’s a little pig bastard boy?” and your professor responds in any way affirmatively, then they may, in fact, be a complete freak. 

Another handy little way to figure out whether or not your professor is a kinky bastard is to simply look at what academic discipline they teach. It’s a well-known fact that every last faculty member in the Economics and Philosophy departments are stark raving freaks when it comes to doing the horizontal tango. On the other hand, the entire SFS exclusively has the most vanilla sex this side of the Mississippi, so rest assured, future lobbyists: your professor probably just owns a dog. 

Finally, watch for any little Freudian slips in your professor’s lectures that may indicate repressed desires. Hints include: your English professor really getting into the “punishment” side of Crime and Punishment, your history professor being overly interested in Victorian England, and your IR professor blurting out “God, I wish someone would just tie me up and destroy me.” 

With these helpful tips, you, too, can be on the lookout for the sexual subversives that plague us!