Listen. I know it won the Academy Award for best cinematography in 1989. I get that. But I haven’t felt the warmth of another person in months. You must understand what a bespectacled Willem Dafoe is doing to my body right now.

It has been lauded by many as a landmark civil rights film told in the most revisionist, white-saviory way possible and was nominated for multiple academy awards including best picture. I would like to add one more nomination to its impressive laundry list: hunkiest poster. I mean I would ride those two spectacular stallions into a battle against institutionalized racial injustice any time they want. I understand why it hangs on your wall during this trying time. 

I’m not asking for very much. Just consider changing the angle of your camera from 11:00am to 12:15pm every Monday and Wednesday. I’m having a really tough time in ECON 122. The only curves I’ve drawn have been of Hackman’s iso-elastic smirk and the deep depression under Dafoe’s considerable cheekbones.