CAIRO – On Thursday, a team of archaeologists uncovered what is likely the largest archaeological discovery of 2020 in the necropolis of Saqqara. In the televised press conference later that day, lead archaeologist Dr. Ned Finkenbiner announced his elevated heart rate and the discovery of 100 painted coffins in Saqqara, funerary masks, and canopic jars.

Mopping his brow with a soiled handkerchief, Finkenbiner hungrily explained the significance of the discovery. “There is nothing more important to humanity than uncovering the remains of our ancestors and feeling physically close to our past. To open a coffin that has been sealed for thousands of years– well, it feels just like the first time… the first time seeing an object of historical significance, that is.”

The ancient Egytian artifacts date back to the Ptolemaic Period, and they were found in three previously undiscovered burial shafts. Professor Gabe Gerry stumbled upon the objects while working late one evening, and became the first man on the dig to touch the ancient shaft. Gerry remembered without a hint of irony, “I cannot describe the feeling of electricity that shot through my body the moment I saw all those coffins. I had never felt my heart pump with such vitality, nor my hands move with such surety as I caressed each coffin. I knew that what I had discovered would occupy my dreams– er, research papers– until my dying breath.”

The press conference concluded with a breathy moan as Gerry collected his notecards, walking directly from the podium to the restroom. The coffins and other artifacts will soon be displayed in several prominent Egyptian museums, once archaeologists have completed their full examination.