WILMINGTON, Del.–Much excitement has surrounded the shape of the Biden Administration’s future cabinet, especially considering the foreshadowed appointments of an all-female communications team, with groundbreaking numbers of people of color.
Entering the White House to serve a nation plump with national crises has demanded of the new administration a tighter and more well-rounded executive, fit to respond to split-second changes in the markets and the course of the virus. Part of the team’s plan includes the creation of new cabinet positions.
The most notorious of these has been the Biden/Harris team’s tapping of That Ass for the new Posterior General position.
“On one hand, we’ve found it necessary to recognize the full talent of That Ass in addressing the backwards politics of the Republican Party,” said Vice President Elect Kamala Harris. “But on a lunar level, we see the opening of the position as an opportunity for That Ass to strut its stuff. I like his cut, G.”
“That Ass already looks like it’s gonna make my job ten times easier!” exclaimed President Elect Joe Biden. “I’m over the moon about our choice!”
Others did not share the team’s excitement, particularly from the more right-leaning members of Congress and the media.
Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) responded to The Heckler’s Capitol Hill correspondent with his usual Southern droll: “Well, if they really put That Ass in the cabinet, then the Joe Biden I used to play stickball with in the Senate hallways is–I just can’t get behind him anymore. That Ass has got to do everything short of sitting on my face to get me to change my mind.”
“It’s just another example of big government Democrats trying to shit on the rights of the people,” commented conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro in a drunken rage while away wiping tears, “That Ass is a liberal, commie bum!”
Former President Barack Obama even made mention of Secretary Ass in his recently published memoir: “And while I’d read Marx for the long-legged socialist, Fanon for the smooth-skinned sociology major, Foucault for that TIGHT bisexual, lemme tell you [bites lip] I’d GLIZZY a GOOBER foh th-HAT AAAAAsssSSSSS HUBBA HUBBA AWoooGa” (A Promised Land, 2020).
Alongside That Ass, the new administration has also tapped W.A. Pousee for Secretary of the Interior, Dr. Joseph Mama for Secretary of Commerce, and, of course, Deez Nuts.