Following last week’s announcement of the Fall 2021-Spring 2022 tuition rates, the Office of the Provost found itself in hot water over a newly added line item– a $101 fee labeled “Bobby’s Trampoline Office.” Though previous communications to the undergraduate student body had indicated the elimination of separate student fees– including Yates field house fees, science laboratory fees, language laboratory fees– students and families were irate about the inclusion of the new item. The exact purpose of the fee was unclear on the billing website, so the Heckler reached out to the Office of the Provost for clarification. 

Kathy Geiger, Associate Senior Advisor to the Provost, responded to our request for comment and directed us to speak with her colleague, Shane McQuimby, Director of the Office of the Deputy Provost. McQuimby was unavailable to speak with us because he had had a heavy lunch that day, so the Heckler staff decided to reach out to the big man himself. 

After dodging our staff’s calls for several days, Provost Robert Groves finally agreed to speak on the record about the changes to undergraduate tuition. Groves explained, “We have invested in many upgrades to our campus. First, we renovated residential spaces, which consisted of new carpet and removing mold and rat droppings. Then, we did something with that field down that big staircase from Village C. Now that these projects are complete, we will make some routine upgrades to the administrative spaces. The Office of the President will be painted and receive a new swivel chair. The Office of the Provost will have its walls and floor replaced with waterproof canvas and woven polypropylene, for maximum bounciness.”

Groves went on to note that he values the investment that students are making in their education, and he pledged to do his best to reinvest tuition dollars into making the campus a better and bouncier place to work, especially for the Provost. 

The Office of the Provost also confirmed their plans to file a patent for a special swivel chair that doubles as a pogo stick. When the Heckler inquired about the time and cost of the effort, the spokesperson said that Provost Groves already has a patent attorney on retainer to expedite the process. The additional legal expense for the university explains the 4% increase in the cost of attendance from the previous academic year.  “When you see this chair, you’ll know it’s worth it,” said the spokesperson, with the subtle sounds of bouncing in the background. “It’s the coolest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen, uh I mean it will undoubtedly lead to a great amount of enrichment for the University community.”