And it’s off to the races! On February 17, the GUSA Executive Candidates had their first tussle in the haystack to prove their mettle in gaining and maintaining Georgetown’s highest executive office: student body president. Topics ranged from COVID-19 Response and Socioeconomic Advocacy, to student organization support and academic continuity, and even to the implications of the GUSA constitutional permission of the death penalty. The Vice Presidential candidates traded jabs (“Well,  I think you’re outta hand!”), witticisms (“Looks like you’ve eaten one too many Hot Pockets from the Vittle freezer”), and brilliant policy platforms (“Free dress every Friday!”). 

While The Heckler is disappointed it could not continue its long-standing tradition as the heart, soul, and bastion of journalistic integrity of the Georgetown Press Corps, they were grateful to have answered that big, brooding question: which candidate is the hip, leftist version of Jon Ossoff?

Our editorial board, along with several staff writers and Ben Folds, has determined that, in fact, all 2021 GUSA Exec Candidates are hip, leftist versions of Jon Ossoff.

Whether it was the strong handshake of a handsome white man, the lilt of an accent that’s not *quite* metropolitan, or the constant exposé of a “system rife with imperialist rhetoric and corruption to which the only response is a radical anarcho-communist movement led by the proletariat masses,” each candidate displayed the aptitude of seeming cool and likable while knowing they will very likely do nothing substantial at all.

Unfortunately, the report card of Jon Ossoff criteria did not necessarily consist of straight A’s for the candidates. While each ticket did emulate that ol’ Blue and Grey Georgetown ambition of Mr. Ossoff to one day be President of the United States, all candidates received a big, stinking “F” in the category of “Will Actually Be President One Day.”

At the end of the day, though, this small failure was made up by the “down the ballot” A+’s in “Having the FUCKING AUDACITY.”