GEORGETOWN – There was much outrage and ridicule from the Georgetown student body this past week, in response to an infographic published by CAPS that advised students to cope with their stress, depression, and anxiety by simply “STOPping” and proceeding with their day. Students roundly criticized this post, saying that it belittled their experiences with depression and anxiety and was indicative of the incompetence of CAPS when it comes to dealing with the mental health issues of the student body. However, investigative reporting by the Georgetown Heckler has uncovered what appears to be CAPS’ first draft of this ill-advised infographic – and it is much, much worse. What follows is a full reprinting of that draft.

“Can’t you idiots just die quieter? I mean, Jesus. For fuck’s sake, we know you’re miserable, but why do you have to drag us into it? Just go about your damn day. You don’t need therapy. Back in my day, we just let our trauma and depression fester, and we liked it! It is SO exhausting having to pretend to care about you. Listen, we had a good gig going, doing nothing and occasionally posting happy, colorful infographics, and then you came along and decided, like, woah, now we need help and support. Fuck outta here. What, now you want some advice for dealing with stress? I don’t know, go smell a fucking flower. Smoke some weed. Just leave us the fuck alone. Dumbass.” 

This draft appears to have been scrapped largely because it would be impossible to fit on a single slide, so CAPS then began experimenting with acronyms, such as:

Feeling overwhelmed? Just DIE: 

DON’T bother us with your bullshit

INTERNALIZE your pain and trauma

EQUIT whining like a little baby

Evidently it took them a while to get that right, but the message remains the same: you’re sad? Sounds like a personal problem.