Foiled again! My associates and I here at the agency have spent many, many years trying to figure out how to “take him out,” him being the devious criminal known to us all as Chunky. Though I have no evidence, I just KNOW that he is plotting the downfall of America, and after that will be the end of civilization as we know it. He is always seen cradled in the arms of an MSB student. Something clandestine is going on. His networking skills are far too powerful, they must be executing a great reckoning.

I made sure he received the package. A cigar, his favorite. He was too clever to take the bait. Chunky reportedly announced, “We are living in a post-Unabomber age. I am not a fool. Try harder, sweetie.” 

My god, I have to admit, this is not the first attempt I have made to neutralize him. I have spent copious amounts of taxpayer dollars to try to kill him in poetic but needlessly complex ways. I sent him a mysterious woman to seduce and assassinate him; they just ended up making love under the stars. I sent him a tab of LSD laced with enough poison to kill ten men; Chunky just laughed and had a good trip. Nothing I do works. I have to surrender to the fact that we are all mortal. But not Chunky. He will forever taunt me, being mailed from state to state, Georgetown student to Georgetown student, laughing eternally in the face of death.