A couple of weeks ago, “Seaspiracy” took Netflix by storm. The sleek new documentary about the policies and practices destroying the world’s seas had all of the hallmarks of a commercial documentary success: Raw, secret footage! A British host! Controversy and corruption! Simplistic solutions for complex issues! For many, the documentary’s revelatory power was just short of biblical. The documentary certainly opened my eyes. Let me tell you the story of my epiphany.

This past Sunday afternoon, I’m lounging on the porch of my stepdad’s beachfront villa, browsing Netflix—you know how we do. Suddenly, a panel catches my eye: “Seaspiracy.” Seas-piracy? That’s a weird word. I do like pirates, though. If this is anything like that one episode of “Codename: Kids Next Door” with the Candy Pirates, then I’m in for a treat. 

My excitement builds.

Click. Da duuuuum weeeeeyyyyaaaaaooooo.

Here we go. 

Wait…what? What the fuck is this? 

Almost immediately, my giddiness dissolves into confusion. Where are the pirates? Who’s this crusty-ass British hippy with the whale fetish? Why does he bring his own wooden cutlery to dining establishments? Does he even have a blunderbuss? He doesn’t even have some cool bodily defect, like a hook for a hand. Arrrgghhhh, shiver me timbers! I’ve been duped!

Little did I know, this was only the beginning of my confoundment.

As I watch Captain Wood Fork embark on his self-righteous tirades, one line tickles my ear. 

At minute 43, he proclaims: “I love the ocean!” The camera pans to a seemingly infinite body of salt water which, scientists say, covers 71% of the Earth’s surface. 

It hits me. 

“Are we sure this dude is British? He sounds Australian—wait, what did he say?”

I rewind. Slow-mo. 

“Iiiiiiii loooooovvveeee thhhhheeeeee oooooocccceeeeaaaaannnn.”

I got it. 

“He definitely sounds Australian, the way he pronounces that word ‘ocean’ real—wait, ocean?”

I peer over the railing of the balcony. The sun is setting over the vast expanse of salt water I knew my whole life as the “super duper salty international fishy bowl.” 

“Ocean? Ocean. Ocean…”