We don’t want to do this. But, in the name of journalistic integrity and all that we at the Heckler hold dear, we must.
There was a time when the New England Classic was like a brother to us. There was a time when we stood, arm in arm, athwart the tide of untruth, moral beacons in a sea of degeneracy inhabited by the likes of the Sack of Troy, the Yale Record, and, deep, deep under the surface of that tempestuous sea, the rotting corpse of the Harvard Lampoon. But it seems our old friend has lost its way.
Just today, the Classic published an article entitled “Neiiighhh!” that purported to be written by a horse. We at the Heckler were immediately overjoyed to read what we thought was an article written by what has been our favorite animal since childhood, featuring a horse whimsically talking about how much they enjoy eating apples and recounting a time they ran into Triple Crown winner American Pharoah. But, make no mistake, dear reader: this article was written by two humans in a Party City horse costume, apparently with the cruel intent of making us believe that humans had finally cracked the ancient language of the horses. For millennia, horses have taunted us with their foreign tongue, and it will unequivocally be the single most important human achievement when our linguists and veterinarians are finally able to tell us what these humble giants have been saying. It was unimaginably disheartening to discover that the New England Classic would taunt us in this way, and would stomp upon our earnest Horse Girl hearts.
New England Classic, we have been through so much together. You tenderly held our hand when Mac McClung and, most recently, Qudus Wahab entered the Transfer Portal. And we really wanted to be there for you too as you mourned the loss of Steffon Mitchell to the same fate. But we cannot be your emotional punching bag anymore; this is the last straw (hehe get it because horses like straw). New England Classic, you are toxic and we are cutting you out of our lives.
And, we’ve always wanted to say this: Baldwin the Eagle looks nothing like Alec nor Stephen. Also Doug Flutie was a short punk and I could’ve chucked him further than he threw his so-called Hail Flutie.