In a bid to enhance the customer experience, several national retail chains have programmed their self-checkout counters to blare suggestive, condom-related quips every time a man tries to buy a jimmy. 

“Everything’s robots nowadays, you know?” CVS CEO Karen Lynch said during an interview with The Heckler in that one aisle of the store with a confusing assortment of random toys and outdated holiday decorations. 

“We’re trying to salvage that human interaction that everyone looks for in a day-to-day retail experience,” Lynch continued. As Lynch finished her thought, the robotized voice of a 35-year old white lady shouted, “Oooooo, Magnum XL Condoms for $7.99? You must have a massive S-C-H-L-O-N-G Schlong, Schlong, Schlong.” 

Not everyone is enthused with the change. 

“Literally the only reason I use self-checkout is to avoid all possible human interaction when I buy things,” Dupont Circle CVS regular Jeremiah Hill told The Heckler. “Now, the machine straight up yells ‘Cute penis hat. Safe sex is good for the soul. Please select your payment method.’ Like, what the fuck?” 

The self-checkout condom scheme is one of several recent boardroom ploys to augment the consumer experience in an increasingly digitized and automated economy. After Jeff Bezos’ Amazon acquired Whole Foods, the supermarket launched a weekly sweepstakes campaign where it invited select customers to watch a phalanx of Perdue Farms tractors bulldoze a small, family-owned chicken farm.  

When asked whether CVS would consider bringing back more human cashiers to revitalize the consumer experience, Lynch responded, “If we can get the human touch without the human and all their…needs, we’re gonna shoot for that.”